How To Be Cheap, The Correct Way

In today’s crappy economy being cheap is not only an art form, but a necessity. Teaching yourself the correct way to be cheap can be an enriching and satisfying skill that will help you throughout your life. There are right ways and wrong ways to be cheap however. Learning the correct way to being cheap is a science, and can take many days of practice. If you will allow me, let me hold your hand and guide you through the wonderful world of being cheap.

When you’re cheap and unemployed coupons are your best friends. Learn where to get them and how to use them properly.

You can obtain coupons from two main sources, through the regular USPS mail and online. When you get your snail mail make sure to leaf through everything and pull out whatever coupons you think may be of use to you. You’ll find various coupons in your mailbox nearly every day. Companies and mailing agencies will send them out in order to advertise their business. Those could be for fast food joints, fine restaurants, auto shops, clothing stores, etc, etc.

You can also find those same coupons online. There are sites that have coupons available for download. Certain sites are dedicated to nothing but coupons for various goods and services. Bookmark those sites and check them regularly. You can also find more coupons on each organization’s website.

When you do find the coupons that are useful to you, use them properly. Check the expiration dates, and mix and match accordingly. A lot of places will let you use more than one coupon at once, so take advantage of this if you can.

Getting handouts from the government has been a dream of every cheap or unemployed man. If you’re a poor man and or unemployed, or both you could certainly get on food stamps or some form of government assistance. Weather that’s food stamps, or Social Security, or general relief, it doesn’t matter. Those programs are there to help us. Certainly cheap unemployed people need the help.

You can generally sign up online for each of these programs, and if you are unemployed or poor, or on welfare you will probably qualify. You will likely have to produce tax ID’s to prove how poor you are, and a driver’s license and or social security card. Once you’ve applied and presented all the necessary documents, they will determine how much cash each month you will receive.

I believe everyone should experience the joys of getting free money from the government. When you receive that weekly or monthly check from the government via snail mail or electronically, it’s one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I want every one of you to know that joyous feeling. So do yourself a favor and choose a program and sign up.

I don’t believe in tipping, and rarely if ever do it. I’ll have to explain in more detail in a future post. But for now, all you need to know is that a truly cheap man (or woman) never tips. Tipping is for the birds, and it’s always best to keep your hard earned, or not so hard earned money in your pockets. Why would you want to give away your money to strangers?

The question you may ask is, how do you frequent establishments and not tip? It’s easy. Just don’t do it. I usually have a rule that if I know that I’ll never come back to an establishment again, then there is no way I’ll ever tip. Considering that you get your bill after you eat, there shouldn’t be any problem. Just pay the bill as is, and walk out. What are they going to do, arrest you for not tipping?

Not tipping in a restaurant, or diner is simple. However ordering food or pizza can be more problematic. 

There’s a great workaround for this, carryout. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there should be a dominoes, pizza hut, or little Caesars (or other establishments that allow you to phone in an order) within minutes of your house. So call in or place your order online and select carryout. This way you drive to go pick it up and avoid having to pay any kind of tip or delivery fee. Carryout is perfect for the cheap man of today.

For the places I frequent often I’ll tip, but as modestly as I can. One or two dollars is the most I’ll ever put down. And I’ll only do that so the staff doesn’t give me dirty looks or spit in my food. Even if they do fine, I can deal with dirty looks. Spitting in my food won’t kill me, and I’ll just stop coming in altogether.

And for the love of money don’t do anything stupid like tipping your barber, casino dealers, or your coffee baristas. What’s 7% of blow me?

Real certified cheapos don’t tip. So stop doing it, and reap the rewards of having more money in your wallet.

If you have a good family or close friends that are willing to help you, let them. Any kind of monetary assistance helps the cheap unemployed man of the 21^st century. Never look a gift horse in the mouth, especially if you’re broke. Ask for favors often, and borrow money without ever having the intention of paying it back. You can always pay them back via favors, but paying them actual cash back shouldn’t happen if you are truly cheap or unemployed.

Just deflect and say things like “I’ll pay you back as soon as I get back on my feet”, or “I’m going through a really rough time right now”. Normally the employed non cheap person will readily accept these statements. Of course you’ll know that you’re full of it. Besides they’ll likely be too busy going to work, and worrying about their bosses and deadlines. Having a caring family and good friends around is a blessing.

This is not something I normally recommend, but it is an option. I generally look down upon people who sit in front of gas stations holding a coffee mug and beg strangers for money. Although I understand that you got to do what you got to do.

So if that is the case, make sure you choose the places with heavy foot traffic. Malls, coffee shops, and gas stations are the best for pure panhandling. Make sure to be polite and ask every person that passes by if they can “help you out”. Don’t be rude, and don’t just demand change.

Your best bet is to dress up grungy, and pretend to be homeless. Play on people’s sympathies by telling them a sob story or act like you’re crippled. If people feel sorry for you, they’ll chip in. If done right, panhandling can be a pretty decent source of income.

Of course the average or below average looking people will have it harder. It’s much easier for attractive women, or guys that look like Brad Pitt to collect money from people they have never met. I’ve heard that panhandling is an art form in itself. So if you have the inclination, give it a try. Just don’t harass anybody or piss off the owners of the establishment you are exploiting.

Every cheap man should have about 2 or 3 credit cards that they have maxed out. There is very little risk involved. Remember credit card non payment is not a criminal offense. It’s all civil. They can’t throw you in jail for not paying your credit card bills. The absolute worst they can do to you is take you to court to try and garnish your wages. However if you’re unemployed (Like myself), you have nothing to garnish. You know the saying you can’t get blood from a stone.

More than likely the credit card companies will just send your debt to a collection agency which will try to collect and place a poor mark on your credit score. If you have no bankruptcies on your record, you should be able max out anywhere from 2-3 credit cards before you get flagged for being a bum. Normally they’ll give you a standard 1000 dollar credit line.

So apply for those credit cards and max those suckers out! Save your real cash and use the plastic for as much as you can. Or better yet, just do a straight cash advance, and withdraw the 1000 dollars and put it in your pocket.

And when those collection agencies start to bother you looking for payment, just change your number. Or you can also block them, or just tell them to screw themselves. Remember debt has a statue of limitations that varies from state to state. Eventually your debt will clear and your credit score will return to normal again. Don’t feel bad about it either. Credit card companies are huge evil soulless multi-billion dollar conglomerates. You have every right to take their money.

Do you ever get annoyed with the change you get when you go out and spend money? Does it bother you having to walk around with your pockets jingling and jangling? Well don’t toss out that change. Save every single nickel and penny. Why? Because it’s money silly. Every cent counts.

They also have these things called coinstar machines. I am sure you have heard of them. Those machines are located in most Ralphs grocery stores. These machines allow you to take your change, and exchange it for bills at the cash register. You empty your change into a tray bin, the coinstar kiosk will count the change and then spit you out a receipt. Take that receipt to a checker, and they will pay you out in dollar bills.

What I normally do is keep the change on every transaction. Even if it’s a few cents. I stash the change in my back pocket, and then throw it in a jar when I get home. I think the jingling is worth it in the long run. Once I have enough change saved up, I’ll take the jar or bag of coins into the grocery store and get it swapped out for bills in my wallet. This is great in an emergency if you need an extra five or ten or twenty dollars.

Some places will have promotional nights, or giveaways in order to advertise to bring in more business. Always take advantage of these types of things. For example, I received a ticket for a free meal at a local firehouse sub eatery that was opening in my neighborhood. The promotion was a way for their staff to practice before their opening night. I was more than happy to help their staff in that area.

So of course I took advantage of this and went down there for dinner. I got a free sub sandwich, regular drink, and chips of my choosing. The subs were good, and I enjoyed my meal. However I think we all know the menu is too expensive, and I’m far too cheap to ever come back there again. Perhaps if I was gainfully employed I would. What I got though was a free meal on their staff’s dime. I’ll take that any day of the week.

Sometimes you can sign up online for a free ipad, or enter a sweepstakes. These are always free to join and don’t cost anything to play. If you don’t win you’ve lost nothing. If you do then you get free stuff. Sounds pretty good doesn’t it?

This one is simple. Just don’t go out, and you’ll save tons of money. Better yet, why even leave your couch? I know for a fact that I don’t lose any money while sitting on my couch watching television. Your friends may try to pry you away from your man cave. Don’t give in to their peer pressure. They just don’t understand how you can be so cheap? 

They’ll sarcastically ask if you could get any cheaper. Give me time, you’ll say, I can get cheaper. Staying at home costs nothing. I recommend doing it often. Besides, going out is overrated. You can get all the entertainment you need from the internet and television anyways.

Never be ashamed of being cheap. With the lackluster job market, and rampant unemployment, you have to take whatever advantages you can find. Being cheap the correct way will benefit you in tremendously awesome ways for years to come.

Your friends might get pissed off at you. You won’t care though. That’s because while they are busy slaving away at their 9-5’s, and paying full price when tipping, you’ll be sitting there with a big smile on your face. Plus you will be keeping your money where it belongs in your wallet. 

So there’s my guide on how to be cheap the correct way. Now go forth and save money my cheap padawans.